The Erotic Equation

ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT*

How many of your sexual fantasies have involved sex with a person you can't have? If you think about some of the hottest sex you've ever had, chances are it was either illicit or involved overcoming an obstacle. There is something highly alluring about the unattainable, whereas sex with a long-term partner can quickly lose its appeal simply because it's always available.

Does this mean we're doomed to choose between sexual fulfilment and long-term partnership? Not if we look more carefully at what turns us on. By exploring our turn-ons with masturbation we are more in-tune with ourselves. We can then either transfer this knowledge to enhance our sex lives, or if we are single, use it to enjoy our masturbation sessions even more.

According to Jack Morin Ph.D., there are two types of attraction: romantic and lusty. Both types are part of being human and we ignore this fact at our peril. Traditionally, romantic attraction has been seen as the 'purer' of the two, whereas lusty has been associated with sin and evilness. Like all other aspects of our humanity, we feel happier and have a higher self-esteem when we accept all parts of ourselves - even those that may initially make us feel uncomfortable.

Sexual Pigenholes

'Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving' by Betty Dodson, is a fascinating account of her own personal journey of sexual discovery.

Every now and again she drops something in that shatters my previous way of thinking. One of these is our obsession with pigeon-holing people into certain sexual groups. "People [are] socially tortured by having to choose between being straight or gay," (Dodson, B., 1996).

If you're a woman and you like sex with other woman; you're a lesbian, i.e. that's your pigeonhole. If you're a woman and you enjoy sex with men; you're heterosexual. If you enjoy sex with both men and women, that makes you a bisexual. However, are these labels helpful, if we want to fully explore and subsequently become more accepting of our sexual selves?

There are probably thousands of 'heterosexual' women who are curious about sleeping with other women, but are afraid to be labelled as bi. They may not consider themselves bi; merely inquisitive. They just want to explore what turns them on, so that they may discover greater heights of passion and fulfilment. However, social barriers can hinder or quash this exploration before it has even begun. Bisexuals and lesbians [and homosexuals] are still stigmatized, although society is gradually being eroded of its hang-ups in this area.

Why is this important? We've all heard of the countless men and women who rush into marriages, only to announce years later that they consider themselves to be gay. They could have saved themselves and their partners a lot of heartache if they'd felt safe to explore who they really were in their formative years (or older if necessary).

Additionally, there are innumerable marriages which lack passion and again, knowing what turns you on, is key to re-igniting or keeping that sexual spark. Which leads me nicely back on track to 'The Erotic Mind'... more next time.

Female Masturbating in the womb?

Fascinating account of foetal masturbation found at The Clitoris.

'The following quote was printed in the book The Clitoral Truth by Rebecca Chalker; it originally appeared in a letter in the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 175, Sept 1996 page 753.

'"We recently observed a female fetus at 32 weeks' gestation touching the vulva with fingers of [her] right hand. The caressing movement was centered primarily on the region of the clitoris. Movements stopped after 30 to 40 seconds, and started again after a few moments. Further, these light touches were repeated and were associated with short, rigid movements of the pelvis and legs. After another break, in addition to this behavior, the fetus contracted the muscles of the trunk and limbs, and the climax, clonicotonic movements [rapid muscle contractions] of the body, followed. Finally she relaxed and rested. We [several doctors and the mother] observed this behavior for about 20 minutes."'

If it is masturbation to orgasm that this foetus is engaging in, then it provides additional weight to our standpoint that masturbation is both normal and beneficial. It also turns the notion on its head that masturbation is something evil - this would imply that even foetuses are sinful; which flies in the face of those religions who view babies as pure and innocent.

One question posed by the above website is whether masturbation and orgasm are necessary for healthy foetal development? If this is the case, Kitty pointed out to me that newborns are then prevented from engaging in masturbation for the next two years as they're constantly wearing nappies. Would babies be less fretful if they weren't prevented from calming themselves with masturbation; is part of their fretfulness down to 'sexual' frustration?

Finding the G-Spot externally

Over a decade ago I discovered that if I pressed a spot just above my pubic bone, intercourse became more pleasurable. Had I been less sexually frustrated and obsessed with my ongoing failure to reach orgasm during intercourse, I would have allowed my natural curiosity to engage in exploring this spot more during masturbation. As it was, after a few feeble attempts to stimulate this spot during intercourse didn't result in the longed-for orgasm, I ceased all exploration of this site.

Today, after a failed attempt to reach orgasm because I'd grown frustrated before I decided to masturbate, wherein I was so concerned about being relieved of this frustration that all I could focus on was coming (which, incidentally, was the very thing that then kept stopping me from coming). I decided to again try this external spot which I had been reminded of and given a name for in the book, 'I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide' by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller. This spot which I'd discovered by accident all those years ago, is the external stimulation of the G-spot. Digging my finger in with a circling motion allowed me to achieve orgasm very quickly. I also noticed that whereas with stimulation of my clitoris I found it difficult to focus and kept distracting myself with the thought of how desperate I was to climax; my mind remained focused when I stimulated my G-spot in this way. I have no idea why this is so.

So, to find the G-spot externally, first locate your pubic bone in line with your navel. About two inches inch up from this spot, dig your finger in and wiggle it around a little bit. You should feel a wall of muscle that slopes around (as opposed to being straight across like your abdominals); I'm presuming that's your vagina you're feeling from the outside. If it feels nice, congratulations, you've found your G-spot. You may wish to practice digging your finger in and wiggling it around until you can bring yourself to orgasm this way - although I'm solely going on my own experience, so this may not work for everyone. Once you know what you're doing, you may choose to use it during sex, either to stimulate yourself or ask your partner to do it for you.

Bush Exploring with Meditation

I've been enjoying 'Sex for One' by Betty Dodson. It's a fascinating account of her sexual history and how she helped other women (and men) become orgasmic through her workshops (and later earned a Ph.D. for her work in this field).

In a later chapter she mentions how she experimented with Transcendental Meditation - repeating a word or phrase as a mantra. She then incorporated this into her masturbation sessions with staggering results.

Curious, I decided to give it a go this morning and repeated the word "I" whilst bush exploring at the same time. I came after only a short time and my orgasm was incredibly intense and long-lasting.

The theory is that the mind state of meditation is similar to that during masturbation; so incorporating meditation allows you to more quickly reach the mind state necessary for orgasm. Also, concentrating on a mantra prevents your mind from wandering onto turn-off things like:

1) the mundane, such as doing the shopping;
2) fretting about any stressful situations you may have in your life;
3) feeling frustrated that you haven't come yet!

Erotic Lucid Dreams - they're the best

About seven years ago I acquired the ability to lucid dream almost at will. There was a week where I lucid dreamed almost every night. During those encounters I knew that I was dreaming but I became the director of my dreams – whatever I wanted to happen would happen. I spent those nights having sex with man after man; always trying to find some kind of sexual fulfilment. During that time of my life I was struggling to reach orgasm even whilst masturbating – I seemed to get stuck in the plateau phase and felt extremely frustrated as a consequence. I blamed the man for my lack of orgasm – he didn’t know how to pleasure me. That was likely true – he didn’t know how to pleasure me because I didn’t know either. I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t enjoy sex, even though I wanted it. Additionally, having since learnt a lot more about my sexual self, I now know that we were sexually incompatible; I like to be dominated by the man, and he was a passive lover. I like pretty much silence during sex with the odd bit of talk – he found this a turn-off. He found explicit narrative of a favourite fantasy a huge turn-on – for me this was a complete and utter turn-off; but having grown-up with the notion that as a woman it was my role to satisfy the man, I lacked the assertiveness to say what I wanted. If I had, I would have realised long ago that we weren’t right for each other, done my self-esteem a favour and left the relationship.

What was incredibly liberating for me at that time was in those lucid dreams I was able to break-free of the rigid social conformity I’d been brought-up with. My sexual delights were not constrained by the dictates of what society deemed appropriate for women – namely that women didn’t have multiple partners, many sexual encounters, casual sex, and weren’t really all that interested in sex. In those lucid dreams I could do whatever I wanted to do and I wouldn’t be condemned by society. Whilst I could enjoy the dreams, they weren’t real and so there were no consequences of my actions.

In real-life I was straight-jacketed by what society deemed sexually appropriate for women; lacking independence of mind and spirit, I was terrified of being labelled a slut and shunned accordingly by people I called my friends.

That’s why those dreams were so liberating – I didn’t have to worry about what people would think – I could just do what I wanted and nobody would find out. I remember when I woke-up inside my first dream and realised that I was lucid dreaming and what I was going to do with it – I was going to have sex of course, that bit was obvious. Instantaneously, the old terrors of what people would think gripped me. I vividly remember the feeling of overwhelming liberation when I realised that I didn’t have to worry about what other people would think; I wouldn’t have to be terrified that they would shun me. It was just a dream – everything that I was doing was not happening in reality and therefore I couldn’t be condemned for it.

It is only now, having learnt greater independence and having stopped worrying what other people think (because my actions are guided by my own internal code, based on rational principles, rather than the dictates of an outdated society), that I can be sexually liberated. Sexual liberation does not mean that I have to take multiple partners, have one-night stands, rampant lesbian sex and orgies every Saturday. Unless I want to, and it’s probable that I don’t. It means I’m free to explore what’s right for me, whilst respecting the rights of others, and without a care for society’s prudishness. Frequently when people express disapproval of a particular sexual act, it is an expression of their own sexual suppression.

Lucid dreaming is as vivid and feels as real as a normal dream; only you’re in control, and this is what makes it especially satisfying. If you can learn to lucid dream, and it’s not easy, then it can be a fun way to experience the kind of sex that you wouldn’t normally want to experience in reality. You may fantasise about threesomes or lesbian sex, whilst being aware that it’s not really for you. By experiencing it in a lucid dream, you can enjoy the voyeurism without suffering from the adverse effects of engaging in a sexual act which you’re not comfortable with. You also don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, contracting HIV or other STDs, or finding out that your partners are cheating on you. Be aware though that if my experience is anything to go by, if you’re sexually repressed in real-life you may find that you carry that repression over into your dreams; meaning the characters in your dreams won’t become wonderful lovers, unless you embrace assertiveness and tell them what you want (and remember, you control the dream characters).

The Erotic Mind continued

Continuing on from my previous post on Jack Morin's excellent book, 'The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment'.

Today I was reading about how important it is to fully accept our erotic thoughts; even though this is likely to reveal our innermost conflicts, eccentricities and unresolved emotional wounds. We fear our erotic thoughts because they make us feel 'naked' and we're afraid of being judged as 'bad' or 'abnormal' by others.

However, there is nothing to say that we have to tell anybody else what they are - ever - or we can choose to tell them to our partner when we become comfortable with them.

We're scared to accept our erotic thoughts, because we're afraid that if we do so, we'll be compelled to act them out and harm others or ourselves as a consequence of this. The truth is the opposite though - people who accept their erotic thoughts are unlikely to harm others. Like everything else about ourselves we fear, the adage, 'What we resist persists, what we accept dissolves' applies.

Self-acceptance and the willingness to suspend judgement, not only gives us the freedom to enjoy fantasy scenarios in the sanctuary of our own minds - fantasies that we may never want to experience in real-life - it is also a key to sexual self-discovery and the resultant enjoyment of more peak sexual experiences.

I'll talk about this more next time.